Personal

Morning.

I have to admit to you that my brain is more than a bit scattered at the moment.

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My life is feeling a bit like a really weird happiness/sadness scale.

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On the one end, things are happening professionally that have me feeling nothing short of elated...remember
 that little excitement I mentioned last week?  Well it turned into something AH-MAAAZING for yours truly...basically a dream come true...beyond grateful and dying to jump in...sorry for not being able to share the news entirely but soon...promise.

Also, Wink of Pink is sort of making me happier than well, most things...besides my kids/family of course;)

I've sold 15 paintings in a week and I am soooooo grateful/ completely ecstatic.

Also, my kids are great...Scarlett is on TV...

...Natasha is heading to University in the fall to be like a cancer research/science genius and Mac...well despite having a nasty case of pink eye, is just always a total 'boy mush/loves his mommy more than cake' joy ball.

Also, I like my husband...a lot.

So...all good.

Except...I am grieving...a lot.

As you know, I recently lost my dear nana and it's been hard....really hard.

But I've been dealing..sort of.

Now though...something else has been added to the loss pool and I feel like it's tipping the scales too far in the sadness direction.

To make a long story short, I found out this weekend that my sweet Lola is dying.

I've been told she has about a month with us.

And it's breaking me.

Lola was my baby before I had babies...she's been with me for 10 years and well, she's a part of our family blanket.

She drives us all crazy a lot of the time...just when the kids are settled and happy, Lola wants food...when I'm finally lying down at night, she needs to go out....when we're eating, she's under the table barking for food and making us all nuts...she's 50 pounds of chaos really.

BUT...

Despite her little doggy faults, Lola has the sweetest, kindest soul I've ever known...people say you can never be sure that a dog won't bite if threatened yadda yadda...but I'm sure...Lola wants nothing more in life than to love her family unconditionally and without judgement...she's never more than a foot from my side and has slept wedged against me for almost 4000 nights....she's my sweet bear and to imagine our house without the sweet chaos that is her...it's devastating.

I'm also scared....terrified of watching her suffer and of making that call the morning we decide 'it's time.'

The vet says we can hope for about a month of good 'quality of life'.

That's 30 fucking days...it's not enough.

I'm angry...sick of cancer taking my loved ones away.

I don't want to watch he slip away.  I don't.

It makes me crazy sad and crazy mad.

I'm crying like every 8 minutes and feeling guilty about not walking her enough...guilty about bumping her to 4th in line after having the kids...guilty about being a grouchy bitch to her most of the time...guilty.

But mostly, I'm just overwhelmingly sad in a way I suppose only people who have gone through this can understand.

She's my dog and she's leaving me and I just hate it with a fiery passion.

I've been debating telling you all about what's going on but this blog is sort of like my solstice diary and well, I couldn't not explain why I've been a little distant/removed from it all.

I've a bit overwhelmed at the moment...by the joy and sadness that is life...the good and the bad that gets all rolled up into one big and sometimes maddening ball.

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Hug your pooches and pets a little tighter for me today OK...you know they deserve it more than anything.

And with that giant melodramatic onslaught, I'll say bye for today, with a promise that things will be back to the pretty here tomorrow.

xoxo